Sock it to Me

It's been too long and for that I must apologize. I've no excuses save for having been swept away in summers folly. Well, I have been working a lot too. No, no excuses! It's time to lasso this beast and get back to riding[writing]. So, I may as well put the cherry atop my laziness by posting something I wrote for school before posting anything new. First, a brief back story: My doddering old English teacher failed to put the ''Argument Essay'' assignment in the syllabus, additionally, she never even told our class about it. So, on the would be last day of class we are assigned a surprise essay, which we are to turn in to following week. I decided to match her capriciousness with my own. This was the result...

An argument for socks only being sold in odd increments.

I think the most obvious benefit for selling socks solely in odd increments would be that whenever anyone loses a sock to the darkest, forbidden regions of their dryer, closet, dresser, or to wherever else socks get lost, they will be relieved to know that a replacement has been standing by. No longer will people be subjected to a need to throw away a perfectly good sock simply because its mate goes missing. Furthermore, there will be no need to throw away two socks when one, inexplicably, wears out faster than the other.

I'm certain everyone has been in the position of being forced to root around through their sock drawer for an extended period of time before finding an appropriate match. I know I've hit this time consuming snag many times, causing me to fall behind on my routine. However, having an odd number of the same type of sock would increase the likelihood that one would quickly find a match, thus enabling them to get off to more worthwhile endeavors.

It is important to note that my proposal is also beneficial to the disabled. No longer will those deprived of their lower limbs, for whatever reason, feel ostracized every time they are forced to buy their socks in pairs. They will, finally and unashamedly, be able to purchase a single sock if they so desire to.

Americans have been well documented innovators. They don't call it American ingenuity for nothing. Imagine every house in the United State having one extra sock handy. The possibilities are endless!

With so many extra socks floating around, surely something will become of them. They could be used for a multitude of different things including but not necessarily limited to: polishing the silver, dusting the furniture, waxing the family car, covering a trailer hitch, keeping a hand warm, standing in for holiday stockings, etcetera. An extra sock could come in handy when younger children want to make sock puppets, or for when older boys insist on keeping an extra sock in their nightstand for whatever reason.

Many of those resistant to sock packaging legislation would begrudgingly buy two packs of socks in an attempt to skirt the new system. This is precisely the point! Now, anyone who would have wanted only three pairs of socks will, instead, be forced to buy seven pairs of socks. Moreover, even those who choose not to double up on their usual order will be unavoidably flimflammed into buying an extra sock. This, theoretically, stands to double the income of the sock market! [Pun intended.] In all seriousness, it is a proven fact that increased consumer spending stimulates the economy.

I know one would have to assume that the aforementioned boom in sock sales would only be temporal, as the initial boost in sales would regress to the mean as people stockpiled socks, thus limiting the need to purchase them frequently. I can assure all that this damning situation will not be the case. If we apply Parkinson's law [which states that the demand upon a resource tends to expand to match its supply] to this scenario, we will see that the number of socks being worn, lost or simply worn out increases with the total number of socks owned.

The health of our nations feet and by extension our nations people also stands to be improved by my proposal. It's a proven fact that keeping feet warm and dry keeps people healthy and nothing helps feet stay warm and dry more so than a change of socks sometime during the day. As illustrated above, the public's increased sock supply will be met with an increase in sock usage, which translates into people unknowingly being inclined to change their socks throughout the day.

In summation, having socks sold in odd amounts will help reduce waste, save time, ease the emotional suffering of amputees, propagate ingenuity, stimulate the economy and, improve the quality of life for our nation's people.

If only we could get any of these socks manufactured in America, then we would really be in business.